I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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