before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
