These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize