My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
