I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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