Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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