my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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