were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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