it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
two words...techno handjob
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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