I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
