so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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