It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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