i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
this just has baby written all over it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
