im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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