I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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