he wants to bone in the snuggie
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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