i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
