i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
