OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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