I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
