Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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