Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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