the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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