70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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