I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
