I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
