I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
