i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
don't judge my taste in strippers
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
