You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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