there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
