don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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