I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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