turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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