I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I could make wine with my vomit
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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