Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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