she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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