You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
