When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
