my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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