I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
