Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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