i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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