stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I will be naked everywhere
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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