Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
