that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
