the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Houston, we have a blender
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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