my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
