My underwear smells like fireworks.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
