i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
