Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
