...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
