Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
