My hand turned me down
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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