I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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