I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize