i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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