Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
