this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
