Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
