Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
