I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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