Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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